i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
