I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Randomize
