i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
