You're my little dorito
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
