someone owes me an orgasm
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
