The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just pee around me
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
