The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
