I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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