My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
and you fell through a lawn chair
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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