i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Mom said you looked used
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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