you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize