when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
