I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
