would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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