just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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