I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
