I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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