When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
