If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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