Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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