i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
