she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
