The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
