you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
