you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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