Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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