Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
