fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
