Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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