Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I stole a fireplace last night.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
