Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
