You can't special order awesome
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
FUCK WHALES
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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