I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
