I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
