My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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