doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the day after is always just damage control
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
