Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize