come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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