I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
