I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
