I faked an abortion last night.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
