you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
