I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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