Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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