The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
