perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Rumble strips road head = magical
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize