I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
