How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
