Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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