Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
