you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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