don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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