i permit you to call me
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I party with great urgency now.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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