I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
