Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
