omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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