I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I am mentally ready for anal.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
