I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
