In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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