my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
