I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
