Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
